A Case of Mistaken Empathy

There are two things I know to be true. The quality of our lives is largely determined by the quality of our relationships. And our biggest challenges are likely to involve strained relationships.

One ability that helps more than any other to maintain healthy relationships, and to get them back on track when they get strained, is the capacity to demonstrate empathy.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about empathy because, in our work at the Franchise Relationships Institute, we often hear people complain about a lack of empathy shown by others.

Getting beyond the clichés

Despite the many books, talks and courses available on this topic, I think empathy is poorly understood and practised.

In my education work, I often ask people to describe what empathy looks and sounds like. The first response is usually “Standing in another person’s shoes”. While I don’t disagree with this, it’s a cliché, and it’s incomplete.

So, let's start with a simple definition of empathy:
Genuinely trying to understand another person’s perspective with the intent of being helpful.

I say … trying to understand another person's perspective… because it’s very difficult to truly stand in someone else’s shoes. While their experience may have some similarities to ours, everyone’s situation is unique.

A trap we fall into is to generalise. Just because someone had a difficult childhood, or has a dominating partner, or is struggling with a challenging person at work, doesn’t mean their experience is the same as ours.

Yet people often jump into conversations with comments such as “Ï know exactly how you feel”, followed by condescending advice based on their own biases and experience, which may be different to that of the person they’re trying to support or influence.

Often, it’s what’s not said that matters

To truly understand someone’s perspective is hard work. We need to listen carefully to what they say and how they say it. Also, keep in mind, a person’s suffering is often contained in what they’re not saying, so we need to create a trusting environment where they feel they have some control over the conversation and are comfortable providing additional information.

I find it useful to assume I don’t yet understand the full picture, even if I think I have a fairly good idea of what's going on. I might say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that this has happened. I’d be interested to hear some more about this. If it’s okay, could I ask about…”

Paraphrasing back to others in a tentative way what you think they’re saying is also useful because it demonstrates you’re trying to understand their situation. And if you don’t yet get it, they can correct you without making you feel like a goose.

For instance, you might ask, “Can I just check I understand the full picture?” Or “I might be wrong, but you seem to be feeling that…”  What you’re looking for is a response such as, “That’s right”. But this may take some time, so be patient.

The “Name it to tame it” effect

It’s a big breakthrough when someone affirms that you understand their situation, as it provides you with significant power to engage further with them in how you might help. Psychologists call this “The name it to tame it” effect.

When we give feelings a name, especially negative emotions, they often settle down. For instance, others will tend to feel less agitated, stop repeating themselves, and be more open to what you have to say.

This brings us to the next part of our empathy definition, …with the intent of being helpful. A helpful intention is powerful thing because others often feel it, and it builds trust. They are then more likely to listen to you, and this also gives you the courage to say what is needed.

Why we need both

However, helpful intentions without careful listening will inevitably backfire. This is what happens for example when a family member prematurely jumps in to help with the best intentions, but it comes across as interfering or controlling.

On the other hand, if you are trying to understand someone’s perspective just so you can influence them to do your bidding, this will also backfire because it’s not empathy; it's manipulation. And the other person is going to soon cotton on and shut down on you.

We've all had this experience when dealing with cunning salespeople who just want to close a deal for their own benefit without really trying to provide us with the best solution to our needs.

So, if you want to practice empathy, you need to be honest about your intentions. Are you genuinely trying to help someone solve a problem or improve their situation, or are you trying to influence their behaviour just to further your own interests?

Understanding is not agreement

A final point.  Demonstrating that you understand another person’s perspective and are trying to help does not mean you agree with them. It just means you’re trying to understand what they believe, feel or think, with a sense of respect.

This is an important distinction if you are involved in a negotiation where giving in to someone's demands may undermine your interests. However, trying to prove you are right (and thus they are wrong) is going to get you nowhere.

So, you may need to say something like, “Let me summarise my understanding of your position.” And then, “While I appreciate why you feel this way, I have a different perspective that I’d like to share. Is that okay?” This is likely to move the conversation into more productive territory.

Until next time, let’s listen a bit more and check our intentions before jumping in with well-meaning but unhelpful advice.